I have chased having a weight below 250 for years… 5 years in fact.
In those 5 years when I do my morning weigh in the scale has read 248 or 249 two maybe three times.
I never celebrated or considered it a win because I was not able to sustain the loss. The next day I was back above 250 and remained there.
For a while I was convinced it was my destiny to remain overweight and around 255. I did not really believe I could be 245.
Then I started to believe I had some mental block that prevented me from reaching 245 or below.
In 2018 – I signed up for a Triathlon to give me a goal so that I would work out harder and push through to 245.
I trained hard. I stuck to a diet plan… mostly … but race day came… at the end of aug 2018 – and I was 254.
I celebrated fishing the Triathlon and I smiled a lot but deep down I was frustrated. I had tried so hard.
The demon voice in my head got loud and told me to accept my fate. 254 is not that bad. You can live with that…
So I took my hands off the wheel and drifted as far as my weigh loss journey.
Interestingly enough … my sober journey was gaining more traction. That journey started for me in 2016 but I never accepted that I was never going to drink again.
On a side note, some people have success with getting started in their sober journey by saying … I am not going to NEVER drink again.. I am just not going to drink right now. And for many years that is what I told myself. But for me to move forward to the next place… a place of sustained sobriety I had to make an agreement with myself that I was 100% done. Alcohol did not serve me.
Back to my journey – And what follows is my interpretation looking back through my journals and putting things together.
I felt like a failure with my weight. I took my hands off the wheel and went on a 30 day eat what I want and drink what I want- yes alcohol too.
In 30 days I gained 10 pounds. 264.
I felt horrible about myself and just felt horrible in my body. Bloat etc etc.
I put my 100% focus on getting rid of alcohol in my life. Sept 27th, 2018 was the day. I just looked that up in my DayOne Journal.
I was no longer on a bender with food and alcohol and I resumed my workouts.
I maintained my sobriety but I was not fasting. I was not overly concerned with exactly what I ate and by Dec 31st 2018 I weighed in at 285.
That is 31 pounds heavier than I was the day I did Triathlon. Aug 26th 2018
Let’s be clear – I weighed myself daily. I have a digital scale that I step on each morning and that data will be synced to my phone. So I had the data. I was not obsessive about it. I kept saying to myself – Get through the holidays and we will address this … the weight thing… in 2019
Jan 1, 2019
I was back. I returned to my previous health mindset. But looking back I had a fast and binge pattern in place.
I felt that if I lost 5 pounds that a nice meal with dessert was my reward.
But even with that … I started to slowly .. and I do mean slowly lose weight.
The Summer of Change 2019
I was gaining some momentum and I was down to 265. But I knew if I I was going to break through this invisible barrier I had built up so big in my mind, that I would need some help.
I had been watching this guys YouTube channel – Fasted Physiques – His name is Corey. I reached out to him and he started coaching me over Instagram voice memos. I cannot express how much of a help he has been to me. I did a video about it.
I also started therapy. That was not motivated to help me with my weight loss but as with most things in life our deep fears and issues are all interconnected.
I started to dig into myself and deal with shit that was buried deep. I did the hard work of sitting with myself. Thinking. Writing in my journal.. Trying to pull truth from all the shit. Then sitting with that truth. Accepting what is true and thinking about what can be changed.
Through all of that work – I never left the daily grind of my diet and exercise plan. Sure some days were better than others. But each day I woke up with the resolve not to fuck it up. Holding the line was a win some days.
For all the overweight people reading this … you must accept that diet is 99% if not 100% of it. Not eating is part of that too. I mean fasting.
The grind as I call it. Keeping faithful to the process. My process. That is the daily commitment I made to myself. It built my character. It made me respect myself again.
Today I sit and I am writing all of this. I knew I wanted to say something but I was not sure what I was going to say. My wife Vickie was encouraging me to celebrate this day. So I came home and sat staring at this blank screen and started to reflect. And the blank screen became this note.
I have been sober about one year as this writing. 10 days shy of my official one year.
I weigh 245
Both milestones that 1 year ago I did not think were possible for me.
- Be encouraged.
- Do the work.
- Go in Peace.
My journey continues…….