I have repeated the same pattern the last 2 years of my life.
It happens in 3 Acts.
Act 1: January 1.
Get pissed at myself that I gained weight throug the holidays. Learn to forgive myself but take action and recommit to my weight loss journey.
Act 2: February through August.
2 steps forward 1 step back but weight comes off slow. I get frustrated that I am not losing more weight. The weekly cycle is 5 days on plan and the weekend I fall off the wagon. Not an total bender but nonetheless I eat more or eat off plan.
Act 3: September through December
I say fuck it. I am never going to get this done. I tried so hard and I at the same low weight I have been at for years.
Act 2 – I lose 20 pounds
Act 3 – I gain 20 pounds
This year will be different.
September 2020 I have a goal and only one goal.
To not gain weight.
Today, September 1, 2020 – I weigh 261.
My goal is to weigh 261 on September 30, 2020.
My journey is broader than just being thin. I want to be strong. I want to be capable. More on that goal as I continue to document my journey.
I restricted it in August but it was not eliminated.
Greek Yogurt. Sometimes with fruit. Sometime with a squeeze of honey.
On my wife birthday I did have a scoop or 2 of real ice cream. It was like a sugar rocket. I would generally eat the left over ice cream over the next several days and this time I did not go back to it. Maybe one can learn.
This is what I know.
Dairy Upsets my stomach
Dairy causes inflammation
Dairy causes cravings
In short, I love dairy but she does not love me back. It is time I leave her behind for a new love.
The last 15 days of July I have wandered in the desert of the internet.
I was excited about sharing my food plan for July but I could not make a decision on a couple of things and guess what? I have not taken action. Shame on me. But I forgive myself and I am back from those dark days.
I am convinced that the inner voice that speaks to us is not our friend.
Steven Pressfield famously calls it the resistance.
In this blog post he sums the struggle for our lives in the best explanation I have seen about the Ego vs the Self. How the resistance is trying to kill us anyway it can. Worth a read.
He has this post providing examples of how the pig lies to you to eat shit that you know is not good for you. Bottom line the Pig is trying to kill you slowly with food.
Understanding and accepting that you have a powerful voice inside your head that does not want you to change. So changes in your diet will sound the alarm and bring this voice to full power. It will lie. It will distract. It will give half truths.
The good news is that you are in control. Your rational brain is in control. Stay in the now. Be Present.
Follow the links for both Pressfield and Livingston to learn more.
I will be writing more about this and what I settled on with my eating plan.
Most of my posts of late have been me complaining about not making progress. They might not seem that bad to you as the reader but I assure you I was wallowing. I did not cross the line to feeling sorry for myself but I was angry. Tomorrow I will post my plan for July.
11:18 am I am back. I missed my accountability journal. Not much has happened really. I was mindful of not putting too much crap in my mouth. I was active. But I was not following a “plan.” I was not following my plan.
The Result? Stagnation. Better than losing ground.
My mindset is ok. I am ready to get back on track and my daily blogging was a big part of that.
9:17pm I ate around 1pm – Shrimp and bacon – it was left over from the weekend. I am trying to eat as few carbs as possible.
I am not feeling inspired today. I am tired.
I did get my Body Weight Strength home gym setup. And I did a small workout today. I must get over how limited I am due to being so fat. I need to remember that doing something is better than doing nothing.